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00:00I don't know
00:30Oh, no, no, no.
00:59Ah, I was wondering where my letters might be.
01:03Oh, I could tell you that, sir. Good.
01:06Where?
01:08In the postman's sack. He doesn't come till a quarter past eight.
01:12I see. Thank you.
01:14Well, you're up bright and early, I must say, Desmond.
01:187.30?
01:19Well, I operate on the Greenwich Mean Time system,
01:22which means I tend to get up in the morning and go to bed in the evening.
01:26It's quite popular. You'll find a lot of people doing it outside.
01:29Yes, well, you may have time to stand here gossiping,
01:32but I hear the nation's economy calling me.
01:34Is it calling you anything rude, Mr Shelley?
01:45Well, Mr Shelley, I see you've got a degree.
01:48And a PhD.
01:49Pity.
01:49Hmm.
01:52Pity.
01:56Pardon?
01:58Overqualified.
02:00Wantonly overqualified.
02:02Would he help if I took him again and failed?
02:07Employers will normally accept a simple renunciation
02:10and a promise not to let it happen again.
02:12Tell me, where do employers get this idea
02:15that education is a form of brain disease?
02:18Ah, you've tried elsewhere, have you?
02:20Apart from Easy Job Bureau.
02:22Oh, yes, I've been to certain job bureau,
02:24the job in a minute agency,
02:25jobs in the bag agency,
02:27quality jobs,
02:28grotty jobs,
02:28jobs galore.
02:30You name it,
02:31I have been rejected by it.
02:32So the entire sources of central London
02:36had nothing to offer?
02:37Oh, yes.
02:38Big smiles,
02:39beautiful advertisements
02:40and a suggestion I come back after the microchip.
02:44If I found a job now,
02:45I'd be a national hero.
02:47Be like the last of the few all over again.
02:49Hmm.
02:51I see you're 34.
02:53Not a good age.
02:57Most ages are bad ages these days,
03:00but 34...
03:02too old.
03:04Is there anything 34 isn't too old for?
03:07Not much.
03:08I know of one 35-year-old
03:10who's settled for a lump sum
03:11and early retirement.
03:15That'd be fine.
03:16I'm not proud.
03:18But you do have to start with a job, though, Mr Shelley.
03:22Catch 22 every time.
03:24Hmm.
03:25I notice against marriage
03:27you've put a question mark.
03:31That's right.
03:32Well, surely with a degree and a PhD
03:34you could manage a simple question like that.
03:37It's just a straightforward test of memory.
03:40Well, you know sometimes a car comes with the job.
03:42Mm-hmm.
03:43Well, in my case,
03:44a wife may come with it.
03:45Normally, you're lucky to get luncheon vouchers.
03:51So all in all, you've nothing with good prospects.
03:53A job with good prospects today, Mr Shelley,
03:56is one that is going to last a full week.
03:58Your only hope is temping.
04:00No, thanks.
04:00I want something secure.
04:02Something that says,
04:03reliable husband in triplicate.
04:05You know, nice and bourgeois.
04:07With pension rights for the afterlife.
04:08Well, all we can do is put you on our lists.
04:12File me for posterity.
04:14Probably.
04:15As I say, temping is your best bet.
04:17No way.
04:19Before I get to that,
04:20I'll put a red light in my window
04:21and a sign saying,
04:22model, eight floor.
04:25At 34,
04:28wouldn't you fail the physical?
04:40Excuse me.
04:43Excuse me.
04:45Yes?
04:46I'm from the agency.
04:48I'm the, um,
04:50I'm the temp.
04:50I'm looking for the person in charge.
04:52Ah, yes.
04:53You'll be working on my team.
04:54For me.
04:56Pardon?
04:56Mr Perkins,
04:57assistant clerical supervisor.
05:00Oh.
05:01Yes, I usually handle the, uh,
05:03casual labour.
05:05You're a little late.
05:06I'm just the victim
05:07of low standards of workmanship
05:09in Taiwanese alarm clocks.
05:12Well, officially,
05:12I'm supposed to report
05:14to people for lateness.
05:15But seeing as it's your first day,
05:17I'll turn a blind eye.
05:19Like Nelson.
05:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:24Have you, uh,
05:25had the work explained to you?
05:26Well, I gather the firm
05:27carries out, uh,
05:29geographical surveys
05:30of land features
05:31and geophysical surveys...
05:32Oh, I shouldn't worry
05:32about all that.
05:33You'll just be filing.
05:40You're James, aren't you?
05:42Now, have you done filing before, James?
05:43No, but I'm so quick to learn
05:45you wouldn't believe it.
05:45Right, well,
05:46I'll just go through it once with you.
05:47It's filing pure and simple,
05:48so you should get the hang of it
05:49fairly easily.
05:51I do hope so.
05:52I aim to please.
05:53Now, Jim,
05:54the firm is opening
05:55a northern branch
05:56in the north,
05:58and we're dividing
05:59our clients
05:59and their files
06:00into regions.
06:01That is to say,
06:02into north...
06:03And south.
06:03Correct.
06:04Now, the system
06:05I've devised for you
06:06is this.
06:08You go to a filing cabinet
06:10like this one.
06:12You open the filing cabinet
06:14from the bottom.
06:18You take a bundle of files
06:20like so
06:21and remove them
06:23from the filing cabinet.
06:24and place them
06:31on the table
06:32like Malcolm's done.
06:40Right.
06:41OK, so far?
06:44And then you check
06:45whether the addresses
06:46come in the northern list
06:47of counties
06:48or the southern list
06:49of counties.
06:50I understand from the lady
06:52at the agency
06:52that you did geography
06:53at school,
06:54so that should help you.
06:56Now,
06:56if they're southern,
06:58then they go in this box,
07:00marked southern,
07:01and if they're northern,
07:03they go in this box,
07:04marked northern.
07:05All right?
07:06Think you've got the hang of it?
07:08Well, ideally,
07:08I'd have liked to have
07:09taken notes, but...
07:10Well, any problems?
07:12Any problems?
07:13Anything you're not sure about,
07:14just come and see me
07:14in my office
07:15and I'll try and explain
07:16it for you.
07:17All right?
07:18Good.
07:20Well, chop-chop, then.
07:22Easy job, Bureau.
07:26Job in the bag.
07:29Anything I can do?
07:30Introductory lecture
07:31on use of the coffee machine?
07:34Course on how to flush
07:35the office toilet?
07:37You'll have to explain it slowly, though.
07:39I didn't do toilets
07:40at school, sir.
07:41And I was too old
07:42for the yacht work experience scheme
07:44on how to operate coffee machines.
07:46Be fully booked, anyway.
07:47Exciting scheme like that.
07:49Been here long?
07:50Ah, yes.
07:51Yes, I think so.
07:52What year was last Thursday?
07:56Not a job with a lot
07:57of adventure and travel, then?
07:58No.
07:59No.
08:01You knew to temping?
08:02Oh, I've been at it
08:03for about one and a half
08:04payslip so far.
08:06Or put another way,
08:07the time it takes
08:07for 500,000 brain cells
08:09to atrophy
08:10through lack of use.
08:11Sort of internal dandruff.
08:13I know the feeling.
08:14Now, I reckon
08:15there's some jobs
08:15you could do
08:16quite adequately
08:17and still pass
08:17all the tests
08:18for being clinically dead.
08:21That's because
08:22they can pay you
08:23even less
08:23if you tempt
08:24posthumously.
08:26Anyway,
08:27hopefully,
08:27soon,
08:28I'll get a proper job.
08:29One of those, eh?
08:30Bit ambitious, aren't you?
08:32Everybody says that.
08:33I'm beginning to feel
08:34like I'm Oliver Twist
08:35going up and asking
08:36for a bowl of Vichy Soise.
08:38And having Thatcher
08:39empty it over your head.
08:41No, I just meant
08:42getting a decent job now
08:43seems, well,
08:45it's like going to Eton.
08:46You've got to get
08:46your name down at birth.
08:48Oh, agreed.
08:49But what really niggles
08:50is when I didn't want to work,
08:51I was a social misfit.
08:53Now when I do,
08:54it's called
08:54delusions of grandeur.
08:56I'm the victim
08:57of tragic irony.
08:59Problem, is there?
09:00Something you can't understand?
09:01No, no, no.
09:02Thank you, Mr Perkins.
09:03I was just double-checking
09:04the procedure
09:05with my colleague here
09:06to facilitate
09:07the smooth running
09:08of the firm's transfer.
09:10Yes, well,
09:12a little more practice
09:13and a little less theory
09:14might be helpful.
09:18The meek may inherit the earth,
09:19but it's the pains in the arse
09:20that get the jobs.
09:26His sort were always
09:28the milk monitors.
09:30He probably still is.
09:32He's probably
09:33cheap child labour.
09:35And to think
09:36thousands of years
09:37I spent honing my intellect
09:38to razor sharpness,
09:39slaving over hot books.
09:41And all that little snot did
09:42was write to Blue Peter
09:43for advice
09:44on three-piece suits.
09:47I wouldn't mind
09:47giving way to youth,
09:48but I thought
09:49I was still one of them.
09:50I never thought
09:51the day would come
09:51when I'd be ordered about
09:52by someone with an O-level
09:54in elastic band arrangement.
09:56Oh, well.
10:00I suppose we ought to
10:00pull a finger or two out,
10:02earn a smarty point.
10:04Yes.
10:05These days
10:06you hesitate
10:07more than ten minutes,
10:07the firm goes bust
10:08and you're back
10:09on the street again.
10:16Oh, I've developed
10:17a better system than that.
10:18Oh.
10:42Excuse me asking,
10:43but won't that
10:44cause a modicum
10:45of total chaos?
10:46Well, I look upon it
10:48more as a job creation scheme.
10:54A way of helping
10:56the government
10:57get the economy
10:58moving in the provinces.
10:59I always like to do my bit.
11:10The government
11:32should do something
11:33about boredom.
11:34If we had a progressive
11:36government,
11:37then there'd be
11:38a Health, Safety
11:38and Boredom at Work Act
11:40with internationally
11:41agreed boredom levels.
11:43You go over them,
11:44get too bored,
11:45management have to
11:45send you home
11:46on full pay.
11:49I find I've started
11:50to pass the time
11:51by adding up
11:52the number of
11:52sexual fantasies I have.
11:54So far this week,
12:00it's 165.
12:05Surpassed only
12:06by the number
12:06of death wishes
12:07I've had.
12:09They're unconnected,
12:10aren't they?
12:11The sexual fantasies
12:12and the death wishes?
12:13Good God, yes.
12:14You're not working
12:15with a pervert.
12:15Oh, pity.
12:19The only interesting
12:20thing about this job.
12:23I take it you've tried
12:24to get a decent job?
12:26Tried?
12:27I'm in the Guinness
12:27Book of Records
12:28under highest number
12:30of unsuccessful job
12:31applications
12:32in any two-year period
12:33for a single male
12:35Caucasian.
12:38You married?
12:39It's looking
12:39increasingly unlikely.
12:42Didn't see me
12:43in the Guinness
12:44Book of Records
12:44by any chance,
12:45did you?
12:46Under the highest
12:47number of successful
12:48dole claims.
12:49Shelley, James Shelley?
12:50No, sorry.
12:52Why do they keep
12:53turning you down, then?
12:54Education.
12:55BA and Masters
12:56and M. Phil.
12:58Oh, dear.
12:59Three?
13:00Don't know
13:00what I can do about it.
13:02Well, the agency
13:02I work for,
13:03in your case,
13:04usually recommend
13:04lobotomy.
13:06With this government's
13:07attitude to education,
13:08I could probably
13:09get a grant for it.
13:11Didn't do
13:11an economically
13:12relevant subject, then?
13:13Like research
13:15into the chemical
13:15processes
13:16for converting
13:17the unemployed
13:17into pillars of salt.
13:19No.
13:19French literature.
13:20Hmm.
13:21Ah.
13:23Yes, and that's not
13:24got a relevant
13:25application to, say,
13:26the car industry.
13:28Not at first glance,
13:29no.
13:29It was 19th century
13:31French literature,
13:32you see.
13:32Tea?
13:33Yes, please.
13:34Two.
13:35I've got the same
13:35problem a bit.
13:36You see, I'm geography,
13:37which keeps me awake
13:38at night, because if
13:39there was a nuclear war,
13:41then a lot of places
13:42could get reshaped,
13:43and my knowledge
13:43would be out of date,
13:44and then I'd never
13:45get a proper job.
13:47We'll never get
13:48proper jobs anyway.
13:49We're a lost generation.
13:51Even Moses couldn't
13:52lead us to the promised land.
13:53Well, at least I got
13:54some hope.
13:55I mean, I agree,
13:56statistically, the odds
13:57against the other
13:58three million being
13:58knocked down by a bus
13:59are high, but...
14:00Sugar and milk.
14:01Yes, please, but if,
14:03say, it was a big bus,
14:04a route master?
14:05Stale donut or
14:06stale current bun?
14:08Er, current bun,
14:10please.
14:10Anyway, you'd need
14:11a second bus.
14:13Pardon?
14:14I said you'd need
14:15a second bus.
14:17There'll be another
14:17three million out of
14:18work in five years.
14:19I thought tea was
14:20supposed to come
14:20with sympathy.
14:21What makes you so chill?
14:23At least you got a job.
14:25Yes, I've also got
14:27degrees in politics,
14:28economics and statistics.
14:30You're banned, sir.
14:31And according to some
14:55economists, there'll
14:57eventually only be jobs
14:58for three percent
14:58of the population.
14:59Three percent?
15:01And the only new jobs
15:02will be in entertainment,
15:03entertaining the other
15:0497 percent.
15:06So I really ought to have
15:07done my degree in
15:08song and dance routines,
15:10then, hmm?
15:11With fire eating as my
15:12special subject.
15:13To be absolutely relevant
15:14to society, yes.
15:15Bloody French literature
15:16didn't even come with
15:17an equity card.
15:19But education will never
15:20be the same again.
15:21I mean, can you imagine
15:22Danny LaRue as warden
15:24of all souls?
15:26Or taking your finals
15:27on new faces?
15:29You sure about this?
15:30Ask any tea lady.
15:31It does make sense
15:32if you think about it.
15:33With cable TV and
15:34satellite TV and
15:35breakfast TV.
15:37And morning coffee TV
15:38and while you have a bath
15:39TV and post-coital TV,
15:41yes.
15:42Wouldn't have time to fit
15:43the work in even if
15:44there was any.
15:46But three percent?
15:48Just think what enormous
15:49street corners you'd need
15:50for everyone to hang
15:51around on.
15:53Three percent?
15:54That's, er...
15:55900,000.
15:56Based on estimated
15:57working population
15:58of 30 million.
15:59Quite.
16:00With how many in
16:01entertainment?
16:02No, I don't think I'd
16:03want to bring children
16:03up in a world full of
16:04actors.
16:05What, half a million?
16:07See, how the 29
16:08million would worry me.
16:09Imagine the queue for
16:10signing on.
16:12And that's for getting
16:13a decent job,
16:14you'd probably have to
16:14sleep with the Minister
16:15of Employment himself.
16:17And it could be a very
16:18competitive shortlist.
16:20Oh, he'd want me for my
16:21mind.
16:21I've got a degree in
16:22geography.
16:23Nonetheless,
16:24our getting work then
16:25would be about as easy
16:25as a pair of bankrupts
16:26trying to join the
16:27masons.
16:28Mind you,
16:29anybody who thinks
16:30they're going to get
16:30a decent job these days
16:32is suffering from
16:32delusions of grandeur.
16:34Yes, quite.
16:39No currants in this bun.
16:41There's no jam in the
16:42doughnuts.
16:433%.
16:46The day will come
16:47when who's who will
16:48be just a list of
16:49anybody who's got a
16:50job.
16:51Brave new world.
16:53Aldous Uxley never said
16:54anything about tens of
16:55millions of people on a
16:56treasure hunt for the
16:56last job in the country.
16:58Or about labour exchanges
16:59the size of Wembley
17:00Stadium.
17:02Now, according to
17:02Aldous Uxley, it was all
17:04going to be lying about
17:05on pastel shade habitat
17:06cushions, zonked out of
17:08our high-grade minds in a
17:09state of constant sexual
17:11nirvana.
17:12Come along, tea break
17:13finished over three
17:13minutes ago.
17:14Ah, it was the bun.
17:15I had difficulty with the
17:16bun.
17:17Experienced tea lady like
17:18you, Miss Barker, you
17:19should know the time of
17:19tea breaks.
17:21Oh, and put your hat on,
17:23love.
17:23It's for hygiene.
17:24Oh, that's coming along very
17:32nicely.
17:34Well done, Jim.
17:40And the tea's too strong as
17:42well.
17:42Not too weak or too sweet or
17:44in the wrong cup.
17:45It's the bitter taste of the
17:47future, I expect.
17:48And the present.
17:49And the past.
17:51Do you know why I'm here?
17:52Love of filing.
17:54To prove to my wife that I
17:55can hold down a responsible,
17:57respectable, well-paid job with
17:59career prospects and a rubber
18:00plant.
18:02Is she a gullible sort of
18:03woman?
18:04Well, only insofar as she
18:06married me.
18:07That was in the 70s.
18:08And so...
18:09My big mistake was putting
18:11off marriage until I had the
18:12security, which comes with
18:13three degrees.
18:15But now, I reckon if I don't
18:16raise a family until I'm secure,
18:17I'll be so old my wife would be
18:19arrested for necrophilia.
18:20And so...
18:23Excuse me.
18:24I hadn't finished being
18:25miserable.
18:26Oh, sorry.
18:27Well, you see, I'd never held
18:28down a job.
18:29In fact, I used to belong to
18:31the militant idol tendency.
18:33That's an extreme wing of
18:34layabouts.
18:35And we ran out of money and
18:36bread and butter and things
18:38and my wife left me and so...
18:40You're lucky to have a wife to
18:41leave you.
18:42You should try living on your
18:43own in a pokey bed-sit.
18:45Yes.
18:46Well, anyway, in the parting
18:48of the ways and the ritual
18:49exchange of matrimonial
18:51packages of dung, I came to
18:54realise that my only hope was
18:55if I had a character
18:56transplant.
18:57You know, work ethic
18:58injections.
18:59I tried computer dating once,
19:01but judging from the replies,
19:03I think their filing system
19:04must be run by discontented
19:05French literature graduates.
19:07So I decided to turn over a
19:10new leaf to be economically
19:13as well as sexually desirable.
19:16And this is the result.
19:17After 37 job agencies,
19:1924 advertisements, 12 news
19:21agent window cards and a
19:22strange bloke I met in the pub.
19:24Russia's the place to go,
19:25of course.
19:26There's about one and a half
19:27women to every man.
19:29And they're big women to start
19:30with.
19:32But that's because of the war,
19:34the shortage of husbands.
19:35I think getting the Germans
19:37to bomb us again just to
19:38improve your marriage
19:39prospects is a bit excessive.
19:41I'm sorry.
19:42Go on about your new leaf.
19:43Well, that's it, really.
19:45It didn't so much as turn over
19:46as wither and die.
19:48You see, I conceived my plan
19:49as a sort of Duke of
19:50Edinburgh's homeward bound
19:52scheme.
19:53Except I'd get awarded a
19:54wife and a daughter.
19:55Look what's happened.
19:56Right now I'd be lucky to get
19:57custody of a garden gnome.
20:00But you knew there was a
20:01recession on.
20:02You must have seen the dead
20:03businessmen in the gutter.
20:04Oh, yes.
20:05I read The Guardian twice
20:06daily.
20:07But you see, I think I
20:08imagine myself as the Clark
20:09Kent of the doll queue.
20:11You know, into a phone box
20:12with a classified ad's
20:13quick change, come out a
20:15managing director.
20:16Now, I never understood
20:17why Superman didn't make it
20:18with more women.
20:20He had everything going for
20:21him.
20:23What I want to know is,
20:24all that adventure and
20:25travel, where on earth do
20:27they advertise a job like
20:28his?
20:29Hmm.
20:30Ah, good evening,
20:39Desmond.
20:39Ah, good evening,
20:40Mr Shelley.
20:42Three today, sir.
20:44All second class.
20:46Oh, you wouldn't know who
20:47from, or, er, what about,
20:49or the colour of the
20:50notepaper?
20:51Mr Shelley?
20:53No, it's just you've been
20:53having quite a few letters
20:55of late, I noticed.
20:56Well, when I say I
20:57noticed, the postman
20:58noticed and he mentioned
20:59it.
21:00Though, personally, I think
21:01someone in a position of
21:02trust like himself should be
21:03more discreet.
21:04But he did mention it.
21:06Official looking, he said,
21:06a lot of them were.
21:08Could I lend you a paper
21:09night?
21:09No, no, Mr Shelley.
21:11I wasn't inquiring, I was
21:13just observing.
21:14Part of my training to be an
21:16observer of life as it eddies
21:17and flows through the
21:18vestibule.
21:19Job applications.
21:21I'm applying for jobs.
21:22Oh, I see, sir.
21:23Promotion.
21:24Leg up in your career.
21:25Yes, your friend-come
21:27landlord, Mr England, said
21:28you had a good job.
21:29He said you had letters
21:30after your name.
21:31Which is why I was
21:32surprised that you don't
21:33wear a tie.
21:34Constricts the flow of
21:35blood to the brain.
21:36You see, with a big brain,
21:37your head needs all the
21:38blood it can get.
21:41Of course, you're very
21:42lucky being a graduate.
21:43I mean, if you're after
21:44promotion, you can just
21:45knock any door you fancy
21:46and say, open sesame.
21:49Like in the Arabian Nights.
21:51Well, unfortunately, in this
21:52country, not all doors
21:53speak Arabic.
21:55Yet.
21:57But you take my meaning,
21:58though.
21:58You comprehend my drift.
22:00No.
22:00I mean, having certificates,
22:02diplomas, it's like having a
22:03good hand at cards.
22:05It means life has dealt you
22:06all the aces.
22:07You go into an interview and
22:09you say, I've got two of these
22:10red ones, two of these black
22:11ones.
22:11And they give you the bank.
22:13What do you think I've got a
22:13degree in, Desmond?
22:15Pontoon?
22:15It doesn't matter what it's in,
22:18sir.
22:19It is a qualification.
22:20It is proof.
22:21As I always used to tell my
22:23daughter, who grasped it a lot
22:25better than you, it is all very
22:26well being clever.
22:28But if you've not got a piece of
22:29paper that says so, no one is
22:31going to know.
22:32Listen, in here, time and the
22:34decor may have stood still for
22:36twenty years.
22:36But out there, in the surreal
22:38world, monetarism and the black
22:40death are stalking the land.
22:43People of your generation don't
22:45know when they're well off.
22:46In my day, you had to be born
22:48with a silver spoon in your
22:49mouth.
22:50Now you can qualify for one.
22:51And all you can do with it is
22:52pawn it or choke on it.
22:54You are still a very lucky man,
22:56sir.
22:57Yes, well, I think I'll take my
22:59offer of premiership upstairs
23:00then.
23:01Excuse me.
23:02If I were in your position, I
23:03would have my qualifications on
23:04the letterbox to remind myself
23:06just how lucky I was.
23:10Lucky, eh?
23:23If I'd have known life was
23:24going to be like this, I'd have
23:25been one of those spermatozoa
23:27that didn't bother to swim up
23:28the fallopian tubes.
23:34I'd have said, no thanks, the
23:3520th century is not one of my
23:36favourites.
23:37I'm staying where I am.
23:40Oh, God, is that all it is?
23:436.45?
23:45Government should have special
23:47short days for people with no
23:48wives and no money.
23:49The earth should be rotated
23:51extra fast for them.
23:54Ah, well, I think I'll stiffen
23:55the sinews, summon up the blood
23:57and imitate the action of the
23:59hedgehog.
23:59What do they say about
24:04tomorrow?
24:05It's another day.
24:07Oh, I do hope they're wrong.
24:12Oh, God!
24:13Oh, God, I do hope they're
24:15good.
24:15Oh, God, I do hope they're
24:16good.
24:16Oh, God, I do hope they're
24:17good.
24:18Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:19Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:20Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:21Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:22Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:23Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:24Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:25Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:26Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:27Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:28Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:29Oh, God, I do hope they're good.
24:30Oh, God, I do hope they're good.